I’m covered in beer and I’m shaking. It’s the Thursday before Christmas Eve and I don’t want to be here anymore. My black converses are warped from all the hours I’ve put them to work, and my feet ache.
“I – I just can’t do this anymore. I just can’t.”
He studies me and I can tell he knows that I’m serious. The calm and collected girl he has come to know is gone and she is officially having a nervous breakdown. In front of me is a glass half full of liquor for sangria, the pitchers I had made earlier are long gone and I’m stuck making them by the glass now, there is no time to stop and reset.
“Come on just a little longer,” he says cheerfully, but he’s not dealing with this, he’s simply making sure that I don’t screw up, and he knows I won’t. He’s come to depend on the fact that I won’t mess up, so he mostly ignores me. But right now, I’ve never felt like this before. The tickets keep printing with more and more drink orders, and the crowd around me is tripling in size. How in the hell did I get here? It’s the year of unknowing and I can’t figure out how I got stuck here bartending. There is no stopping. There is no end in sight. Continue reading “The Year Of Unknowing”→
I always used to hear people say, ‘the more things change, the more they stay the same’ and I have to admit I never really got it. If everything was different, how could there be any sense of normalcy? I didn’t get how two conflicting things could live as one. But recently the light bulb went off, and it does make a little sense. Sometimes things can change. We all know that. The years can pass and the friendships fade, but somewhere along the line that thing that rooted you so long ago makes itself known again. That thing that used to tie it all together presents itself, and you’re back. Transported back to a time when everything was certain. When the people around you were you friends instead of strangers. When life as you knew it made sense. But, you’re not really there. You’re you, however many years ago, but as the person you are now. Looking around a familiar room, watching a familiar show, hearing that one song, and you’re back. But you’re back with what you know now. You’re there with the scars healed and lessons learned. It’s a beautiful thing when that happens. When you get a chance to go back to a place that was so beloved. Back to people that made such an impact; to see where it all began. Continue reading “The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same”→
People say that hindsight is 20/20 and I believe they’re right. It’s easy to look back and say things happened just as they were supposed to because the struggle is already over. Of course, everything worked out the way it was supposed to, you’re already where you’re at. It makes it easy to look at things and have that mentality because the reasons are now clear to you. Continue reading “That’s Hindsight…”→
Change is a funny thing. Sometimes we love it, sometimes we hate it. Sometimes we wish it would happen faster, sometimes we wish it would just stop happening. We hate when the things we know and love change. Relationships, friendships — those are the things we wish would never change, yet those are the things that usually do. We know that change happens, sometimes we even understand why. If it wasn’t for change we’d never grow. It’s because of change that we adapt, make adjustments, alter. That’s all a part of life. However, knowing that it happens, doesn’t make dealing with it any better; knowing that it happens, rarely makes it any easier.
Because when things change they’re normally beyond our control and circumstances we have no say in. People move on, friends grow apart, and things like time and distance make themselves known. When change happens our lives seem to move at a different speed, but we often are stuck standing still. But change will eventually force you to move, change forces us to take steps. You can take steps aside, as people make their way out. You can take steps backward, trying to hold onto how things were before they changed, or you can take steps forward, and try not to look back; you can let change push you forward. But how? Continue reading “That’s Change..”→
It’s funny because when it comes to friendships, everyone warns you that in time things are gonna change. Hearing it usually makes most of us laugh. We looked in the mirror and saw ourselves, looked next to us and saw our best friends and thought “Things will never change to the point where I’m not me, and I’m not with them.” I mean seriously, what could possibly happen that could just destroy something that defined you for so long? How could the people that helped you grow into the person you are now, just abandon you? Or how could you just leave? So when it happens, it makes us search for answers. Maybe it was all of our faults. Maybe we installed too much faith and certainty into our friendships and let them become our lives. Maybe it’s our mistake for thinking that we could. But then I guess that is the problem; shouldn’t we be able to? Continue reading “That’s Friendships..”→
Here’s the thing about expectations. We know that if you expect something there are really only two outcomes. You either get it or you don’t, you’re satisfied or disappointed. We expect our expectations to be met. Its the point. It’s when you expect something of someone and they let you down that it becomes a problem. When we let people in our lives, we expect them to be a part of it, we expect them to stay. But sometimes the expectation of them being a part of our life is met, but not in the way in which we hoped. Sometimes they become part of our lives by being a lesson. They become the person that never made it to our future. They show their true colors. They show who they really are. The thing is, when people show you their true colors, it’s important to pay attention. Because once you’ve seen in color, there’s no going back to black and white. There’s no going back to who we thought they were.
That’s the thing about thinking you know someone. The reality is we only know the person they put out there, the things they choose to share and show. But can you ever really know someone? Who they are? Their intentions? What they stand for? What they believe in? We have this ability of being so many people in a given day, to play so many different roles throughout our lives. So how do we know what’s true? How do we know which version to believe? The truth is, we don’t ever really know anybody. We only know the people we expect them to be. Continue reading “That’s Having Expectations..”→
I think we all wish we could be fearless. I know I do. To walk to the edge of the cliff without a care in the world and just take that step, that leap of faith and then just free fall into the unknown. We’d love to embrace uncertainty rather than fear it. To have the chance to put all the past failures, betrayals, and pain in the back of our minds and even just for that moment let our minds fill up with possibility. To revel in the beauty of dreams we may not have even known we had. To love unconditionally, and without hesitation. To surrender whole-heartedly to another, without fear or suspicion. To take each moment as it comes, each person as they are, each day as an opportunity. To not be scared of what could happen if we do,but more afraid of what could happen if we don’t. To not be afraid of life, but more of not fully living.
The truth is, our lives have the potential to be remarkable. They hold the ability for our dreams to become realities, for the impossible to become attainable, and the chaos to become beautiful. Chaos creates opportunity. Opportunities for these lives we were given to become our own, to become unique onto ourselves, to be ours. We have the ability to own the moments of our lives. We have the ability to make our lives mean something. For them to be more than just a series of moments, to be more than merely existing. It’s up to us. The decisions we make shape the lives we lead. So choose wisely. But most importantly choose from your heart. Choose to make a difference. To affect change. To affect the lives of others. To become more. Choose to be yourself. To embrace what makes you, you. To stand out in a crowd. To laugh too loudly. To cry too easily. To fail. To be broken and to be the reason you smile. Find the joy in all your pain. Continue reading “That’s Living..”→
It’s amazing how many people out there are genuinely rooting for you to fail. People who waste no time scanning you up and down, looking for any flaw they might be able to magnify, and bring to your attention. Searching for a way to find your imperfections, and then striving to make them known. People want to tell you that you’re not good enough, that you won’t amount to anything. They get satisfaction out of making you stand in front of a mirror, with a reflection that’s tainted by the words they say. There’s so many people out there who want to tell you that who you are isn’t worth it — well, I have news for you. You are. You do matter. And you’re more than enough.
The truth is, people are going to talk regardless of what you do. But you have to remember that they’re just words. Words are only powerful if you let them be. Remember that the opinions of others don’t define you. The labels, words, assumptions, they don’t matter. You determine the person you are, not someone else. When people put you down and try to hurt you, it’s their own energy they’re wasting. Don’t return the favor. Whether you realize it or not, by them taking their time and focusing it on you, you’re affecting their day. There’s no need to let them affect yours. You have the power to turn your imperfections into strengths. To see your flaws as beautiful; to make the life that you’re living matter. Don’t let those who don’t matter lead you to believe otherwise. Continue reading “That’s Letting Yourself Shine…”→
To some people, being strong means your ability to hide your pain. So by their standards the more people you have fooled that you’re fine or happy the stronger you appear. But looks are often deceiving. Just because the pain isn’t showing doesn’t mean it’s not there, right? Hiding your pain isn’t being strong. Disguising that pain and abuse, lessening the heartache and defeats; these things don’t make you strong. What makes you strong is letting them show. Taking that pain, and using it to get past it. Strength isn’t how well you hide the pain, but the strength you find to overcome it. Strength is the attempt to try. Some say strength is how much you can take without it tearing you to pieces. Well, I say strength is finding the courage to put the pieces back together. Continue reading “That’s Strength…”→